Being a bloody awful landlord really is something that has to mastered, you don’t just suddenly wake up one morning and become one. So for any aspiring landlords/money grabbing thieves out there here is a foolproof guide to being the best of the best when it comes to the worst of the worst.
1.Initially tell your tenants to just ask if they need anything. This gives them a false sense of security that you are really nice. But then when they ask for anything just ignore them.
2. When your tenants phone you at night to tell you the electricity has completely gone off, tell them to ring again in the morning if the problem persists. Of course by then their mobile phones will be dead as they wouldn’t have been able to charge them. Oh you cheeky bugger you!
3. Play a fun little game with your tenants seeing how long you can get away with telling them “someone will be round in the next few days”. They can definitely live without heating for a few weeks. I mean they are only students, not real human beings.
4. If furniture breaks, leave it broken for the next lucky tenants. Then subtract the cost of fixing it from their deposits even though they didn’t break it originally. Everyone’s a winner! (Except those tenants, poor souls…)
5. Don’t supply them with a hoover, dining table, enough seats or a working fridge. The more household essentials you can get away without buying, the better.
6. When those students who have been giving you hassle all year finally decide to move out, don’t bother cleaning the house over the summer. The new set of tenants will quite happily stew in mould and dirt.
7. If tenants consistently complain then extreme measures may need to be taken. Bolt their bedroom door shut and let them suffer. Yes they’re paying rent but in the infamous words of Miley Cyrus in her 2013 hit ‘We Can’t Stop’ – “This is our house, this is our rules!”
8. When your tenants move out keep as much of their deposit as possible. The oven not been cleaned? £100. A pillow out of place? £50. The shower too wet? £200. Easy money.
9. Finally, just keep putting off giving your tenants back, what is left of, their deposit. Fingers crossed they might just totally forget about it, if not it’s totally adequate to keep it for another 5 months.
So if you do indeed see yourself as a budding landlord ready to remove every last pound from the bank account of that naïve and innocent student then simply follow these 9 simple tips and you really can’t go too wrong.